Monday, January 21, 2008
anyway, i find that my mind is idle way too much and that i have too much time to think on things of this world, earthly things, and that i judge people so quickly and that i don't want to give people a chance to "redeem" themselves when they have crossed me. how selfish.
we as humans think way too much about the way that the world effects us- instead let's think about how we can effect the world! in fact- let's infect the world. we are not to be chirstians that don't offend, that just blend in and people are comfortable with. let me tell you something if you have invited an unbeliever to your church and they were comfortable...something is reeeealllyyy wrong! people of darkness should be sooooo uncomfortable in the light- they should squirm! they ought to want to run out screaming! not because we're freaks- but because the power and conviction of the holy spirit is more than they can handle without turning their lives over to Christ!!!! because the truth is being spoken and because darkness and light don't mix.
I am a lazy Christian and i hate it. i hate that i am a flatterer. i hate that i'm part of the "nice club". the people who want to make others feel good so that they don't think about the ugly in them, the shallowness, the complacency, the laziness. i don't want to get close to people especially women -and i have struggled with this for years-because i know that they see this in me. i do want to change, but i don't know how, and i am afraid if i let people know who i am and what i'm really like, that they won't like me...why do i care so much if they like me? why do i try to hide my sin- hasn't the person next to me sinned just as much? why do i think they are better- less of a sinner? why do i hide? i am paul. i do what i don't want to do and i don't do what i want to do. this is all of us- but i see it everyday in me. i let myself down everyday and i feel that i let down my husband my daughter, and most of all my Lord. Is He really Lord of my life? Lord that is my #1 first priority? NO, He's not and i don't want it that way- but i keep it that way because of my laziness. In my mind- He's my Lord, in my heart He's my Lord, but in my actions- my fruit- He's not! What does the world see? What does my family see? What does HE SEE???? When will I change? When will i give up my life- my agenda that's soooo much more important? When is Rachael done being fake?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
next challenge was yesterdays dance class. the kiddos were so out of control i left extremely stressed out. i told peter that 1/2 hour of that was worse than a week of hailey whining. i really dont' want to teach anymore but i feel that i should finish out this school year with these kids. i wrote to the director though and let her know what's been going on. i told her everything and i hope she's understanding. they just wouldn't listen no matter what i did. it was so chaotic!!!!
the other challenge we had was the power going out at 4am and trying to find things to do in the house all day with my sweet girl. we painted, we colored, we read books, we cleaned her toys, she rode her bike, we snuggled...i didn't want to hook up the kerosene heater since it wasn't too cold out so we just bundled up. it was a good time to spend one on one, but i was really happy when it came back on at 915pm. we were at church from 545-8 so that was a nice break and it was nice to be in real light instead of candlelight.
on the upside- monday and tue when peter was off the weather was amazing! it was about 70 on tue and so we took her to the park and though it was muddy we let her ride her bike on the road and the basketball court, she was in heaven! she loves it and is getting really good and today she said "look mom, i'm going backwards!" she says backwards so well and i didn't even know she knew that word. we also walked around our cute little town and went in the library and got some movies out for her. also i was able to order a book to get started on my reading for my doula training! yeah! the first step was to pay the $15 fine on the library card...i keep them in business...doing my part!!!! ;-)
monday we went to my brother and sister in laws house to pick up my mother in laws car that she's letting me use while she's in florida then we took hailey to the dr. since she hasn't been since she was about 18 months and had a physical...perfectly healthy- i already knew that. average on all their stupid charts. 30lbs and 37 1/4 in. tall. the whole reason i had to take her was to get a wic referal. so then we had to take her to get a lead test and they had to do a draw, they couldn't just do the finger prick, so i was totally stressing about this- the last time i had that done she screamed bloody murder and it was so painful for me. this time- she watched the needle go in, and didn't even flintch. i said,"see hailey, that's your blood going in the tube!" she thought it was cool. especially the bugs bunny bandaid. i was floored and so was peter his jaw was on the floor! what a blessing that she was so calm! it did hurt her later on and she whined but we went and got ice cream and all was well with the world!
tuesday work was so slow that i had my friend rebecca come in and get her hair done- it came out awesome and she loved it! we did bright red highlights and blonde too. tomorrow i'm going to her house and she's giving me a massage! yeah for bartering! i'm kinda brain dead i have an appt early in the am, so i'm ganna hit the hay. love you and miss you mom!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
be revealed to you- by pursuing Him. I keep hearing over and over in my head to not waste time- to stop being lazy, to accomplish goals to achieve more. Life is way too short to be limited. Be the jack of all trades. You are the only one who limits yourself. God is way too big to think that you are fine where you are- dream big!
if i sound like a motivational speaker- i don't know where this is coming from- i haven't listened to anything lately except my thoughts/ meditations, and i haven't read anything motivation or talked to anyone like this. i just couldn't sleep tonight which is wierd considering i'm running on 3 hours of sleep from new years eve and i worked 7 hour days mon and tue which i haven't done since i was prego over 3 years ago! ahhhh! maybe i had too much sugar! whatever it is- i'm grateful for it. i am determined to have an unforgettable year! i am so excited for all the change God has in store for me- hey, wanna get your whole world rocked???? pray- "God, break me!" woah nelly! i am so pumped for who i am going to become. i know she's there, i am also so grateful for new friendships with women who have a passion and a zeal for Christ! and it's the real deal not some "fake church smile"! i am encouraged by them and am looking forward to how they can rub off on me and i can change for the better.