Monday, January 21, 2008


I'm finding lately that the devil gets a kick out of keeping our brain inactive. He wants us to live our lives without really thinking. Why as children do we question everything and hunger for so much more and never seem to satisify, but as adults we could care less if we learn something new? why don't we question why we do what we do? why are we so complacent and do we live mondainly instead of looking for the next adventure- whether it be physical or mental. am i the only one who struggles with this? it doesn't seem that my husband does, he is constantly devouring any new info he can get his hands on, not necessarily to digest it, but to eat the meat and spit out the bones. i am so grateful to feel secure as him being the leader of our home. for several years i didn't have that and it's a scary place to be. some women wait for so long on the Lord and on their husbands to get to that place where they accept their role as leader and protector and provider. Some women finally get that reward, others don't. some women just give up and take that role on themselves...what is better? to take on the role God gave to your husband and also try to fulfill the woman's role, or to trust God and let Him work on his heart, and make him into who he was called to be. i grieve for the women who have assumed that role and who didn't stick it out and wait on the Lord for his timing. He wants us to trust him completely and to rely on his timing...not our own, who are you to say that you've waited long enough? who's standards are you living by? who's rules are you following?

anyway, i find that my mind is idle way too much and that i have too much time to think on things of this world, earthly things, and that i judge people so quickly and that i don't want to give people a chance to "redeem" themselves when they have crossed me. how selfish.

we as humans think way too much about the way that the world effects us- instead let's think about how we can effect the world! in fact- let's infect the world. we are not to be chirstians that don't offend, that just blend in and people are comfortable with. let me tell you something if you have invited an unbeliever to your church and they were comfortable...something is reeeealllyyy wrong! people of darkness should be sooooo uncomfortable in the light- they should squirm! they ought to want to run out screaming! not because we're freaks- but because the power and conviction of the holy spirit is more than they can handle without turning their lives over to Christ!!!! because the truth is being spoken and because darkness and light don't mix.

I am a lazy Christian and i hate it. i hate that i am a flatterer. i hate that i'm part of the "nice club". the people who want to make others feel good so that they don't think about the ugly in them, the shallowness, the complacency, the laziness. i don't want to get close to people especially women -and i have struggled with this for years-because i know that they see this in me. i do want to change, but i don't know how, and i am afraid if i let people know who i am and what i'm really like, that they won't like me...why do i care so much if they like me? why do i try to hide my sin- hasn't the person next to me sinned just as much? why do i think they are better- less of a sinner? why do i hide? i am paul. i do what i don't want to do and i don't do what i want to do. this is all of us- but i see it everyday in me. i let myself down everyday and i feel that i let down my husband my daughter, and most of all my Lord. Is He really Lord of my life? Lord that is my #1 first priority? NO, He's not and i don't want it that way- but i keep it that way because of my laziness. In my mind- He's my Lord, in my heart He's my Lord, but in my actions- my fruit- He's not! What does the world see? What does my family see? What does HE SEE???? When will I change? When will i give up my life- my agenda that's soooo much more important? When is Rachael done being fake?

No comments: